S.O.S.

As a lot of you know—I have had a lot going on in the past few weeks.
I haven’t really been up for talking about it because a lot of is
useless drama that could have been easily avoided by one acting their
age and two because it honestly still hurts.

Maturity is not defined by age but by actions. Just because you may be
the same age as another does not mean that you are as mature as that
person, or vice versa. I am just as guilty for name calling when I am
hurt as the next person is. However, I know these people. I know how
to hit them were it hurts, and when I’m upset or hurt I want them to
feel the same way. Is that right? No! Is it mature? No! However, in
the heat of an argument---it is easy to get caught up. Something I am
sure that each of us is guilty of at some point. However, I don’t
judge people. PERIOD! I decide how I feel about a person based on
their actions and what I learn about them myself. If I have friends
that don’t like a person-that does not automatically mean I am not
going to like this person as well. I am not a follower, I have my own
mind and I make my own decisions. Making judgments about people based
on the opinion of someone else or based on details/stories/comments
made by someone else about a person is immature and out right stupid.
Have you ever heard there are three sides to every story? Each
person’s side and then the truth. A person’s comments/stories are
biased and one sided. So how can one look themselves in the mirror
when you have judged another without even knowing them? Where they
came from, why they are the way they are, why they make the decisions
that they do… For whatever reason-I have always been a person who
didn’t trust easily. I am overly picky and selective about the people
that I choose to let get close to me. I have many upon many
acquaintances, I have an even smaller number of friends that I hang
out with or communicate with regularly, but I have 3 people that I
ultimately would trust with anything. If you had asked me about a
month ago the answer would have been 4. The first has been my best
friend since the 4th grade. We’ve been through everything together at
this point. Break ups, marriage, kids, separation, arguments, moving
away, moving back, birthdays, deaths..the list truly is endless. The
second is someone I met when I was 16 (about to be 17!). We can go
days, weeks, or months without talking but the second that I need him
he has always been there. The start of our relationship didn’t begin
well, but all the disagreeing turned into an amazing friendship. A
true friend will do things for you even when they really don’t want
too. He hates parties but I have drug him to more than one since
moving back home. He’s probably the only person on this planet that I
can be all out bawling with and he’ll just sit there and hold me. No
questions asked! Sometimes silence is what is needed, and he realizes
that. Plus he reminds me regularly just how strong of a person I
really am when I often fail to realize it. Lastly, is the one I have
met most recently. I met her in 2008 when I moved to Greenville, but
our friendship was not instantaneous. However, once I realized that we
were just a like in about all of our opinions our friendship blossomed
quickly. I know I could call her any time and any day, and even though
she doesn’t live here she would be there for me. I think in the entire
time we’ve been friends we’ve disagreed on one topic..but we
communicated and she understood my side and I understood her side. End
of topic! It didn’t ruin our friendship, we didn’t argue about it. It
just was what it was.

A true friend is someone that you trust with your life. You know they
are always going to be honest with you even if they are aware it is
not what you want to hear. They are reliable, trust worthy, and even
when you disagree you are able to communicate and work past your
issues. You know no matter what they will always make time for you
and will always be there for you. Due to the fact that the people
that fall into this category for me have been in there places in my
life for no less than 4 years. I figured my judgement was on point.
However, earlier this year I was proven very wrong. Someone that I had
allowed to be in my life since last August, someone who I thought I
could trust with anything—betrayed me in the most ultimate way.
Information that I had entrusted with him, he shared with someone
else. Who knows in the end probably even more than one person… I have
never felt so heartbroken..and not because I had feelings for him or
because it was anything like that but because he committed the
greatest friendship “sin.” I can get past you being dishonest, I can
get past you not exactly being reliable, I can get past a lot of
things--- I might be angry but as long as you communicate with
me---then I will get over it. However, for you to provided intimate
details of my life—details I had entrusted in you---to someone I don’t
even really know. That’s unforgiveable in my eyes. I could have
turned around and done the same to you. I could have told people
intimate things you entrusted in me. I could have told people what
you really think of them..and backed it up with text messages.
However, though I often can be a bitch I would never betray him like
that. Even now! That is probably the lowest things that a human can
do. You often complained that you didn’t think that your
ex-girlfriends parents thought you were good enough for her… at this
point I understand what they saw. I was being just as blind to your
actions as she was… and at your current state you didn’t deserve her
and you didn’t deserve my friendship. In the end, though it hurts even
now, I am glad it happened. It showed me what kind of person that he
truly is and that I guess I need to be even more shielded and
protective of who I place my trust in. It begs the question of what
this world is truly coming too? Someone who can do so many acts of
kindsness for me, someone whos spent endless hours with me—to in the
end betray me. Why waste your time from the beginning? You could have
saved us both a lot of wasted time and effort. I wish I could hate him
but I can’t. The good memories are still present… however, the bad
will not be forgotten. I learned my lesson with that one and I truly
believe that karma will catch up.

I am a faithful friend to the end.. and one of those people who would
truly do anything for anybody---sometimes even for those I may not
exactly care for. So imagine how I am with those I truly do care for?
I would bend over backwards to protect them, to be there for them, and
to make sure they realize each day just how perfectly amazing they
are. So in the end who looses? Not me! I got rid of someone that was
in my life under false pretenses. Someone who was dishonest, fake, and
a coward. It looks like I win. In the end you are just a boy.---and I
do mean boy—not man! You have so much growing to do, and you don’t
even see it. I couldn’t face myself in the mirror after doing what you
did-and I don’t know how you do! I guess in the end you truly didn’t
care.

All the friendship drama combined with the fact that very few of my
family members can seem to actually act mature…has placed me in a
very..hmmm.. I guess sensitive position. I am stressed as I can ..
which for someone who gets migraines because of stress.. is not good.
I am one who can admit when I am at fault or when I am wrong. A
situation with my brother and sister-in-law started back in 2011 and
peaked last year. I feel that even after you are married that you
should attempt to split holiday time between families and participate
in birthdays and celebrations for other reasons (ie.graduation, new
job, etc.). My brother does not feel this way. Though his family
resides in the town that his wife’s mom lives and dad lives close too,
I would still understand an equal division of holidays or at least
attempting to give us days that would work for you in order for you to
participate in both places. It kicked off when I invited him to
Greenville to go out for my birthday, he didn’t tell me until the
night before the he wasn’t coming. I tried to explain to him how I,
and other family members, felt. Like we were not important. I hadn’t
seen them since Christmas. I got told I felt that way because I was
raised with a silver spoon in my mouth. Well there are three issues
with that (1) my brother doesn’t talk that way, so obviously it was my
sister-in-law texting not him (2) that doesn’t even have anything to
do with my point (3) we were raised in the same household. Am I
spoiled yes, but would he have been afforded all the same
opportunities that I had if he had chose them-Yes! However, end of
conversation. I played nice at Christmas… and then last March hit. My
mom left my dad. This is where there are three sides to every story.
PEOPLE GET ALL THE SIDES BEFORE YOU JUDGE OR ELSE YOU JUST LOOK LIKE A
FUCKING MORON! I said things that I probably shouldn’t have said but I
wasn’t alone in that. I owned up to the fact that I could have
probably been more appropriate in how I responded. However, they act
like they did nothing wrong. We haven’t talked since and I quite
frankly am perfectly fine with that. My little brother saw a portion
of their ignorance last week when they again took what one person told
them like it was the holy grail… and responded accordingly. If I were
my brother I would have told him that when he wanted to act his age,
and get both sides of the story before judging to call me back then.
Until then stop talking and get out of my business. Thankfully my
little brother is nicer than I.

Some may think that it is stupid of me to put all my emotional baggage
out there for all to read. However, I am tired of holding it in. I
talked to a very amazing co-worker the other night about some of the
things that have been going on and I felt better after talking about
it. Just as I do now while I’m typing. Hopefully the drama and the
scarring that these situations have left me---will help someone out in
what they are going through as well.

I’m not perfect-and I don’t pretend to be. I’ve been asked numerous
times over the last few weeks what I want. Is that answer ever simple?
I don’t want perfection. I don’t want dishonesty, or lack of
integrity. I would love to rid my life of negativity but I know this
is hopeless as there are always going to be people trying to bring you
down. Though I like my job for the most part and I like my co-workers,
I want to find a job that would put me back on day shift hours and
that actually utilizes the master’s degree that I spent 7 ½ years
achieving. I’m smart and I want something that forces me to actually
use my head. Also, I’ve been mulling over the idea of maybe going to
law school if I can find the funding through financial aid or other
means. I would do this at night of course. North Carolina Central
offers night classes just for this. Next, I want to find someone. I’m
almost 27 and I’m not getting any younger. However, I don’t want to
rush into things either. I want to feel butterflies, and someone who
makes me nervous. Someone who makes me want to try new things, that
can call me on my bullshit, and doesn’t just let me have anything and
everything simply by asking. I want someone who is going to challenge
me… as many will tell you this will have to be a seriously strong
individual. From there on—I’m perfectly fine with the white picket
fence happily ever after scenario. I know it exists-even though I know
there are some skeptics out there. You can believe what you want-and
I’ll believe what I want. After all we are all supposed to be open
minded right?

I know this has become long winded but it was necessary for me at
least. Please any comments, suggestions, or feedback is amazingly
appreciated.