What I want!

As I sit here and watch one of my favorite episodes of " One Tree Hill" (some you give away is the episode title, btw)--- the one where Tree Hill ravens win the state championship and Lucas finally realizes his feelings for Peyton. A conversation between Lucas and Skills stands out to me :



Skills: You said "Oh!"? Hold on. Peyton says "I'm in love with you" and you say "Oh"? Nice work player!
Lucas: She caught me by surprise, what was I supposed to say, huh?
Skills: Not "Oh". Ok, what else did you say?
Lucas: I mumbled something about us being friends and then I left.
Skills: You believe that? That you and P. Sawyer are just friends!?
Lucas: Look, you know what Skills? For a long time I thought that maybe we'd be something more. It just never seemed to work out, you know? So, at a certain point you just gotta face the fact that it's not meant to be.
Skills: Even if she wants more?
Lucas: She's just a little confused. She's had a hard year and I happened to be there and rescue her a few times.
Skills: So maybe you're the one who's confused! Cause you didn't just happen to rescue her a few times. You didn't just happen to run into the school that day or save her from psycho-Derek. Peyton happened to be there, but you chose to be there. So, maybe you gotta think about that.


Also the one at the end between Peyton and Lucas:


Peyton: I'll be seeing you.
(walks away)
Lucas: Peyton! It's you.
Peyton: What?!
Lucas: When all my dreams come true, the one I want next to me. It's you. It's you Peyton.
(kisses Peyton)






Sometimes things don't come easy to people but that doesn't make them any less right. However it does often put doubt on how truly meant to be things are if there never seems to be a right time. I've had a lot of issues with one person in particular for a while. Our relationship has been defined in numerous different ways... Which isn't healthy at all. It's made me recently do a lot of thinking about what I want out of a relationship and this is what I've come up with.


Though looks are important for initial attraction they are not what will keep me around. I want someone who I know would do anything for me and will be by my side through the good and bad. Some be that is strong in their convictions and can argue and make their point. Yet they also have to respect my opinion even when it differs from their own. I love to be spoiled but I don't want someone who's just going to give it to what I want all the time either. I want someone that will challenge me daily. Someone who makes me want to be the best person that I can be. Someone I want to cuddle with, spend rainy days with, and sleep in with. I'm a person who doesn't sleep well and doesn't really like to cuddle much--- but in the past with a few instances this has changed. We don't have to have everything in common and I'd actually prefer someone who's completely different than myself--- someone who helps me grow and leaves me room to do so. Someone who can expand my "horizons." It doesn't mean we always have to get along or that we never argue.. We don't have to spend 24/7 together but it does mean we trust and communicate endlessly. I like the small things... Cute little notes... Good morning texts... Things that don't require much but still have the capability to mean the world when coming from the right person. I want someone who in essence completes me!


With any relationship you bring on the chance of getting hurt... It's up to your self wether or not that chance is worth it. For the past few months I have not been willing to take a chance on someone who at least about two months ago truly deserved it. This was simply because I was scared... Granted I had every right to be. Myself and this person don't have a very good track record. We often argue because our communication is often misinterpreted. Sometimes I wish I could truly just hate him... So that this can be all over with. Yet at the end of the day I can't. Regardless of the "disagreements" we've had I've only been truly angry to the point where it didn't dissipate for days once. I've come to the conclusion recently that The fact that our relationship seems to always be in limbo .. Makes me so unsure of where I actually stand with him or how he feels. This makes me crazy and unsure and questioning.. Which in essence makes things not ok with him for a multitude of reasons.



I know we are never guaranteed tomorrow... That things can change Instantly and we never get a chance to go back. I gave this person my " heart" again in essence... Not meaning I'm in love with him bc it's not that serious but currently he's in a position where he can hurt me. I want all or nothing with him because all " labels" in between aren't working. It could end so horribly... I know this but I'd rather him know how I feel than never get the opportunity to tell him. Even if he chooses to not take a chance on me... He at least in the end knows. Ill eventually heal... And things will eventually find there own place. I'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason... The bad so we truly appreciate the good.


In the end... All I can do is wait for an answer. I'm trying to be patient... I will be patient with this... And for those who know me realize how difficult that is for me :)


Who is in your life is who is meant to be there... It's each individuals responsibility and choice to in essence "fight" to stay there.. Why would you ever want to keep someone in your life who doesn't fight for you???? If you were to die tomorrow..would everyone close to you know how you felt about them... How much you cared? Would they know the true you? I'm not taking that chance anymore... Even if it means diving head first in... Putting my heart on the line daily... It'll all be worth it in the end.